Those of you with wives....

Post by **FreeBeer** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:44 pm

Peet has discovered the key to long-term relationships: separate interests. It's a simple thing, but vitally important to keep the interest alive.

People are sponges. They are initially attracted to a person because they see a trait or traits that they themselves do not possess. (Think "opposites attract") That makes the other person exciting. Over time, people absorb those valued traits. (Symptoms: "we're so much alike", "we know what the other is going to say", etc.) Having separate interests allows each other to personally grow in a direction they find interesting. That "interest" and personal GROWTH makes that person a "new", dynamic individual and continues to be interesting to their spouse. There's something new to absorb. And therefore there's a reason to continue the relationship.

Having kids acts as a temporary substitute to this personal growth issue. Because the kids are growing, and passing through all the various stages of development, the parents remain together because there's interesting things going on because the kids are in personal growth mode. (The old "parents live vicariously through their children" syndrome.) But once the kids grow up and leave on their own, the parents end up with a void in the "interesting" department. They need to make an effort to switch gears from the kids to their own personal growth to keep it interesting. Failure to do that and you'll end up in a broken relationship.

FWIW, I've only been married for 2 years, but we've been together for about 24. I still find her interesting because I've always insisted that we pursue different and separate interests and to share the experience as we go along.

takingarms1 · Post by **takingarms1** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:55 pm

freeb did it right, testing the waters for 22 years before doing anything rash

I am recently divorced. We were never really quite right but tried to make it work anyway. Basically, we argued constantly about anything we disagreed on, and couldn't really resolve conflict. We were two people who just couldn't get along. When I left, my life got about 10 times less stressful. We were only married for 1.5 years before I left, but we dated for maybe 3-4 years before that.

I can't speak to your situation because it sounds a lot different. What I can say is that I am very satisfied with my decision because when I was married, I was miserable. I like my life a lot better now.

Post by **FreeBeer** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 3:57 pm

TakingArms wrote:QUOTE (TakingArms @ Aug 7 2011, 12:55 PM) freeb did it right, testing the waters for 22 years before doing anything rash

That was pretty much my thinking and philosophy behind it.

Gandalf2 · Post by **Gandalf2** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 6:28 pm

Been married almost 5 years. I knew I had high expectations & ideals of marriage, so I consciously tried to lower them before I got married. The reality has turned out to be better than either set of expectations, though I know not every marriage can be as awesome as mine.

QUOTE I'm not sure why i don't really, we're not good friends now, and that is sad.
Obviously there's the kids to consider, and i'm sure they'd rather everything was nicey nice, but it's not.[/quote]
It's odd, you don't know why you want to leave your wife. If you're going to, you should at least have a reason? Think about it & try to figure it out. Maybe you need to spend more time together... get a baby-sitter in and take her out for a meal or something. Try to remember how you felt for her when you got married perhaps. "Till death do us part" is easy to say in the happy times, but it's in the tough times that the promise means more.

@ FreeB, interesting point of view though I disagree. I'm quite similar to my wife, we do have some different interests but we have way more in common. It's definitely not a case of opposites attract for us. She has many admirable qualities that I was I had more of. Then there are a few things where I'm stronger than her. So overall, we're a good team, and things like our shared sense of humour and my romantic tendencies help to keep the whole thing happy

We have shared hobbies that we can enjoy together, and separate ones which we can enjoy by ourselves.

QUOTE I think it's my desire to make her whole and happy that keeps me going, and I know she does the same for me.[/quote]
This is great, if both people have the interest of the other person as their primary motive, it's hard to go too far wrong.

Post by **FreeBeer** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 8:20 pm

Gandalf2 wrote:QUOTE (Gandalf2 @ Aug 7 2011, 03:28 PM) @ FreeB, interesting point of view though I disagree. I'm quite similar to my wife, we do have some different interests but we have way more in common. It's definitely not a case of opposites attract for us. She has many admirable qualities that I was I had more of. Then there are a few things where I'm stronger than her. So overall, we're a good team, and things like our shared sense of humour and my romantic tendencies help to keep the whole thing happy We have shared hobbies that we can enjoy together, and separate ones which we can enjoy by ourselves.

Cool! And I did write that post in terms of absolutes (I just didn't want to write a novella on the topic). Obviously you need some commonality of interests, but they key, I think (and what I was trying to drive at) was that separate interests (that lead to personal growth) is mandatory if you're going to keep the spark alive. You seem to have that, which I'm happy to see.

that_bloke · Post by **that_bloke** » Sun Aug 07, 2011 9:19 pm

ooh my head!

Cheers for the replies. Congrats to those of you who are doing it right

I blame my friend and best man. When i was a young 'un, and sleeping about succesfully without forming any real attachments (Well, for no for longer than necessary if you get my drift) i used to ask him why anyone would want to settle down.

He told me about the simple joy to be had from having someone who is always on your side. This touched a chord for me, and i tried to get myself one of these wingmen women. Unfortunately, after 9 years, I tend to feel happiest when she's not around. I am aware of course that i have flaws, but when i'm on my own, noone points them out the whole bloody time!

Hmm, not going to do anything rash, but will see if i can sort things out for a bit, or i'm buying a nice new man-pad for christmas.....

Edit -- i added an exclamation mark!, for emphasis! !!

Post by **BackTrak** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 3:00 am

It's not a wuss move to consider couples counseling. There are many forms, religious and non-religious that you could take a look at. Consider that you feel something is missing and your wife is appearing to feel everything is fine. There's no window in her head. Maybe she's got the feeling all is not as it should be, but is unsure what to do next. Who knows. This is where a non-judgmental third party can help out. A counselor can help prod you both with the kinds of questions that lead to discussions about how you both are feeling and give new ways to resolve arguments to try out.

Not everyone can be helped in this way. It's going to take work on both parts.

You married her for a reason after all. At one point she was "the one". She's still the same person you married. You're still the same person she married. It's worth a little investment in repairs before you start chopping off parts of your life.

Clay_Pigeon · Post by **Clay_Pigeon** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:29 pm

BackTrak wrote:QUOTE (BackTrak @ Aug 7 2011, 11:00 PM) It's not a wuss move to consider couples counseling. There are many forms, religious and non-religious that you could take a look at. Consider that you feel something is missing and your wife is appearing to feel everything is fine. There's no window in her head. Maybe she's got the feeling all is not as it should be, but is unsure what to do next. Who knows. This is where a non-judgmental third party can help out. A counselor can help prod you both with the kinds of questions that lead to discussions about how you both are feeling and give new ways to resolve arguments to try out.

+1 BackTrak

Nothing is a guaranteed fix, but there are people out there who see problems like yours every day. It just makes sense to talk to them.

takingarms1 · Post by **takingarms1** » Mon Aug 08, 2011 5:59 pm

Counseling is not a bad idea, particularly if you haven't ever really broached the subject with her. In my situation, we did counseling but we were just discussing the same issues we had always had and I didn't see things getting any better by having the same discussions we had been having for over 4 years. In your situation, though, it might make a lot more sense. At the very least, it might give you some ability to talk things through and confirm whether it makes more sense to stay or go.

Vortrog · Post by **Vortrog** » Tue Aug 09, 2011 10:51 pm

We can all comment on our own experiences, but it cant really advise you. Sometimes our early behaviour conditions our beliefs.

Been with my wife for 20 years...married for 14. I dont give her the attention she deserves, but I have no want for anything else other than more free time to concentrate on her and the kids.

Maybe you need to get her to kick your ass a bit to fire up the 'want you but cant have you' mechanism?