Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2015 4:39 am
Hey you $#@!s, it's NFL time, AKA the only sport that matters (literally all yall eurotrash can get off your high horse, football is the correct term and "soccer" is also correect, we learned it from good 'ol Dad the UK so blame them).
Anyways, here's P1's picks for week 1:
Pats >>>>>> Steelers. Yeah yeah, it happened, but seriously the Steelers looked like some SPQR chumps.
IND > Buffalo. Frank Gore is a football GOD. He'll run for 1100 this year and next just to make you all cry.
GB > Chicago. Da Bears suck. Sorry.
KC > Houston. JJ Watt is almost as much a football god as Frank Gore, but his initials don't work quite as well. I just don't see Houston's offense doing anything. At all.
CAR > JAX. Yeah, duh. Jacksonville sucks.
Cleveland > New York Jets. It's the Jets, their starting QB is Geno Smith.
St. Louis > Seattle. Look, I'm a 9er fan and I hate Broodwich Cashto the Seahawks, but St. Louis just seems to have the Seachickens' number. I dunno.
Miami > Washington. You kidding? The ******* are more mismanaged than my bank account. (P.S. Suh was massively overpaid)
Arizona > NO. Sorry guys, the Drew Brees magic is over, and the NFC West > all yall. You guys are playing some kind of pass-happy bull@#(!ball while the NFC West is like, "imma hit your offense so hard their babies have concussions."
SD > Det. It's... detroit. They can't win more than 7 games per the collective bargaining agreement of... 1950. Sorry.
Cincinatti > Oakland. LOL they picked up Aldon Smith and everyone's sucking their *#$@s for what a great move it was... one year after everyone blasted the 9ers for keeping him on their roster. Also they picked up Crabtree. Basically, the Raiduhs are (sorry Spidey) basically just the 49ers rejects. It shows by their record the past few years.
TN = TB. Look I have no idea who's going to win this wet noodle fight, but we're talking the TenForward vs P1 of NFL matchups. No matter who wins, we all lose because we had to suffer through it.
Cowgirls > Giants. Look, Eli Manning is mediocre. He's a shade of his older brother. Also the rest of the Blue Men suck balls, so there's that too. Meanwhile, the Cowgirls have done the smart thing and dumped all their draft picks into making the best goddamn offensive line that you could imagine. Shame Romo is their QB.
Eagles > Falcons. Matt Ryan is fine, Julio Jones is good, and there is nothing else on the Falcons that I'm willing to even pay a dime for. Meanwhile, the Eagles cut TIM TEBOW. Actual factual outcome of the game: Sam Bradford will tear one of his knee ligaments in the early parts of the 4th quarter, but Philly will still win this game because Sam Bradford when he *isn't* suffering a knee injury is a fine QB. Which is about 3/4ths a game a year.
Squared 7s >>>>> Vikings. You @#(!ting me? AP is going to rush for like, 30 total yards. Bridgewater is going to throw so many interceptions to Kenneth Acker you'll be wondering who Acker plays for. I'm not saying that Kaep is going to go off, but let's be frank: Hyde is the replacement of Gore (yes, that's a pun, read it again). $#@! you vikings, bring it the $#@! on you pansy-ass northern pieces of @#(!.
Anyways, here's P1's picks for week 1:
Pats >>>>>> Steelers. Yeah yeah, it happened, but seriously the Steelers looked like some SPQR chumps.
IND > Buffalo. Frank Gore is a football GOD. He'll run for 1100 this year and next just to make you all cry.
GB > Chicago. Da Bears suck. Sorry.
KC > Houston. JJ Watt is almost as much a football god as Frank Gore, but his initials don't work quite as well. I just don't see Houston's offense doing anything. At all.
CAR > JAX. Yeah, duh. Jacksonville sucks.
Cleveland > New York Jets. It's the Jets, their starting QB is Geno Smith.
St. Louis > Seattle. Look, I'm a 9er fan and I hate Broodwich Cashto the Seahawks, but St. Louis just seems to have the Seachickens' number. I dunno.
Miami > Washington. You kidding? The ******* are more mismanaged than my bank account. (P.S. Suh was massively overpaid)
Arizona > NO. Sorry guys, the Drew Brees magic is over, and the NFC West > all yall. You guys are playing some kind of pass-happy bull@#(!ball while the NFC West is like, "imma hit your offense so hard their babies have concussions."
SD > Det. It's... detroit. They can't win more than 7 games per the collective bargaining agreement of... 1950. Sorry.
Cincinatti > Oakland. LOL they picked up Aldon Smith and everyone's sucking their *#$@s for what a great move it was... one year after everyone blasted the 9ers for keeping him on their roster. Also they picked up Crabtree. Basically, the Raiduhs are (sorry Spidey) basically just the 49ers rejects. It shows by their record the past few years.
TN = TB. Look I have no idea who's going to win this wet noodle fight, but we're talking the TenForward vs P1 of NFL matchups. No matter who wins, we all lose because we had to suffer through it.
Cowgirls > Giants. Look, Eli Manning is mediocre. He's a shade of his older brother. Also the rest of the Blue Men suck balls, so there's that too. Meanwhile, the Cowgirls have done the smart thing and dumped all their draft picks into making the best goddamn offensive line that you could imagine. Shame Romo is their QB.
Eagles > Falcons. Matt Ryan is fine, Julio Jones is good, and there is nothing else on the Falcons that I'm willing to even pay a dime for. Meanwhile, the Eagles cut TIM TEBOW. Actual factual outcome of the game: Sam Bradford will tear one of his knee ligaments in the early parts of the 4th quarter, but Philly will still win this game because Sam Bradford when he *isn't* suffering a knee injury is a fine QB. Which is about 3/4ths a game a year.
Squared 7s >>>>> Vikings. You @#(!ting me? AP is going to rush for like, 30 total yards. Bridgewater is going to throw so many interceptions to Kenneth Acker you'll be wondering who Acker plays for. I'm not saying that Kaep is going to go off, but let's be frank: Hyde is the replacement of Gore (yes, that's a pun, read it again). $#@! you vikings, bring it the $#@! on you pansy-ass northern pieces of @#(!.